Let’s talk about my ex-husband.

Let’s talk about my ex-husband. My daughters’ dad. I don’t hate him. Anymore. I’ve moved through the heartsickness, the rage, that empty lost feeling.

Who am I now?

What is this now?

What do I do now?

What the FUCK now? 

Now. Now I’m four years out from May 2019 when everything finalized and my girls and I took off. Now I’m at peace and even rediscovered my love for him. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want him back. The damage is done, man – you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Rinse that shit down the drain and get on with your day.

BUT, now I can remember that he was funny. Like, really fucking funny. And he was really into me, and I was really into him. And we enjoyed traveling together and snuggling and entertaining. We had thoughtful conversations and big dreams. We worked well together – we made a good team.

AND, I am grateful again. Grateful that I met him, and for all the fun we had, and of course for the two beautiful babies he gave me, and for the decisions he made that prompted me to decide to leave.

I spent a lot of time feeling angry and disappointed and hurt. Spent a lot of energy wishing he’d done things differently. I see now that I was arguing with reality there. That’s such a wasted effort, isn’t it?

If he’d just see this.

If he’d just do that.

The reality is he doesn’t and he won’t. And now that’s OK. It stung a little bit for awhile, but now it’s OK. It definitely rocked my faith that I’ll find my forever partner, but it didn’t kill it. And now that faith is stronger than ever. And now I remember that I’m cute and funny and fun. Times three, even, including my two daughters. And it feels so fucking great to be back here again. Back in that mind-space where I’m just doing me and loving life.

I’m proud of myself for not continuing to come at this situation with victim energy – that woe is me who was done wrong type shit. I abhor when people pity me for being a single mom – why should I pity myself? That energy is lame and robs me of my own power. The truth is, he’s just a man, a human, with his own wants and desires. And it all went down exactly the way it was supposed to. When I consider what a strong soul he is to have agreed to play the anti-villain in my life movie, it puts me in a space of continuing to have love for him and keeps me in control of my own motherfucking destiny.

I will be forever thankful to him for that. If it wasn’t for him being who he is, I wouldn’t be who I am. And I really love who I am.