Yup. I wanted to.

I’ve been having thoughts lately about what I can do versus what I want to do. These thoughts were brought on by someone asking me –

What’s the matter? You can’t handle him?

Him being a man in my life I was complaining about. And I thought about that. A lot.

Handle him? I can handle anybody. But, I don’t want to.

I don’t want to. Say it again. I don’t want to. How does that feel? Equally as empowering as I can do that.? Better? Worse? For me it’s equal. But it’s more exciting because it’s an option I didn’t always know I had. I’d been cruising along on autopilot like IcandothatIcandothatIcandothat, all the while not realizing that I don’t have to. There is an option there, a yin to that yang, and I love me some options. And yin-yangs.

These days my thoughts rarely boil down to if I can or can’t – I know I can do pretty much anything – including figuring out the how. Now, it’s a matter of if I want to. The wanting to part is the key and that’s where most of us fall short – we don’t even consider if we want to, we just do it to show we can.

But, who cares if you can? Do you get a trophy if you can? Nope. Any type of recognition? Maybe. But then what’s that recognition worth? What’s it do for you? Say the recognition is monetary and it affords you your dream house – cool cool. If you’re affording your dream house by doing something you not only can do, you want to do, double-super cool cool. But what if you’re affording your dream house by doing something you can do but don’t want to do? Then what? Is your dream house still your dream? Are you enjoying your dream and relishing the quiet moments inside of it? Or is it just a beautiful structure you’re working to pay for? Do you even really see it anymore? Are you continuing to love and appreciate and value your dream house or are you just existing in it on autopilot? I wonder.

I love our house. It’s a work in progress. Or is it process? Debatable. Moving on.

Our house is a dream I didn’t know I had. A want I didn’t know I wanted. When we first started looking, I was looking for turnkey. Everything finished and easy to maintain. Because I could. I wasn’t looking for a project house. It was mentioned once or twice that I consider it, but I didn’t think I could handle a project house being a single working mom. I also didn’t sit down at the beginning of the process and really think about what I truly wanted, I just considered what I thought I could do. I made offers on a couple houses I knew I could handle, and I lost. And then I made an offer on one I was sure I couldn’t handle, but I wanted it. And I won. And it turns out I can totally handle it. And I want to handle it.